our little sparrow – our miscarriage story

 

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It’s been 12 days since I was told the little life inside me that had barely begun had already ended. It was was shocking and as cliche as every movie, every TV show: “I’m sorry, but there’s no heartbeat.”

I know people don’t talk about miscarriage, but I want to because I like talking about the things no one wants to. I’m all about open communication. I’m the girl in the church who asks new married couples how their sex life is going. I’ll tell you all about our budgeting and savings goals. I blurted out “We’re pregnant!” to one of my close college friends just days after we’d taken a test, when we were just four weeks along. They say not to tell many people until you’re out of the first trimester, in case you miscarry, people nearly whisper, as if saying the word brings it about, like it’s Lord Voldemort or something. But we couldn’t keep it a secret; we were too excited. So I want to share our story of loss for the same reasons I wanted to share our news of life with friends right away — because I can’t keep it inside of me. And because October is Infant & Pregnancy Loss Awareness month, ironically enough.

Honestly, I never thought a miscarriage could happen to me. Sure, we’d always end the announcement by saying, “Yeah, we hear not to tell people so early just in case something happens, but we’d want support from you even if something did.” But it never crossed my mind that something might actually happen. My mom never miscarried and I knew my maternal grandmother had had 10 successful pregnancies out of 11 (I was later told she actually did have a miscarriage at another point, taking her “success rate” to 10 out of 12). We got pregnant basically without hardly trying, which I know is a huge blessing, and one I don’t take for granted, but all these factors made me think I was untouchable. It wouldn’t happen to me. Actually I didn’t even think it wouldn’t happen to me, I just didn’t think about it at all.

So that Monday morning when I wiped and saw just a little brown blood, I told myself not to panic. I’d known for reading every pregnancy website that spotting was fairly normal and half the time meant nothing. The blood was old and brown, not fresh and bright red. I didn’t have any cramping. I actually felt extra sick that morning, and they say if you feel pregnant, and I did, it’s a good sign. It’s when you stop feeling pregnant that things go south. But we were leaving on a multi-state road trip in three days, so I decided to call the nurse and just check to be safe.

The nurse called me back and said what I expected: it’s probably nothing, you can wait a few days to see if it goes away or gets worse, or you can come in just to check. I mentioned the trip and she asked if we had heard the heartbeat at our first appointment two weeks earlier. We hadn’t. At the time, the doctor said it was still fairly early (six and a half weeks), but we’d hear it the next time. (Now I wonder if it ever did beat…) So we decided to go for peace of mind so we could go to Missouri unworried.

I picked up Greg and we drove to the clinic in New Braunfels, and although I kept trying to tell myself it was fine, I started getting uneasy. What if it wasn’t? We prayed outside the clinic, checked in, and waited. We went back to the exam room and saw our doctor,  who seemed quite hopeful. She did a pelvic exam and confirmed I wasn’t “actively bleeding,” which was a good sign, and I still felt pregnant, which she also deemed a good sign. So she started up the ultrasound to finalize all the good signs, but  that’s when things changed.

For whatever reason, my body just never got the news our baby had died. It kept on going, pumping out hormones and blood and growing placenta, all while the life had gone from our child more than two weeks before. That’s why I still felt pregnant, why I wasn’t actively bleeding. They call it “missed miscarriage.”

They brought in another doctor just to confirm what the ultrasound was showing. I bawled. Greg held it together but only until the car. Our doctor assured me it wasn’t my fault and explained what could happen next. For various reasons, we chose to go with a dilation and curettage, better known as a D&C, a procedure in which the doctor dilates your cervix and removes the contents of your womb in a surgical environment while you’re under general anesthesia. We set the date for two days later, the day we had planned to leave on our trip.

Our trip. The timing. My lack of actual miscarriage symptoms. The only signs that something was off was the spotting on Monday. I had no symptoms of miscarriage at any point, not even spotting on Tuesday and Wednesday. I can’t help but attribute the whole timing scenario to the Lord. I almost feel like He said, “I’m so sorry. I’m going to let you in on this now so you use this trip and this planned time off to grieve and heal.” I fully believe had I not spotted on Monday, we still might not know we’d lost it. Our next appointment wasn’t scheduled until two weeks later. Finding out your baby passed away two weeks ago without your knowledge sucks. Finding out it died a month ago… I can only imagine it would be even worse. Or maybe my body would have gotten a clue, and we would have naturally miscarried hundreds of miles from home while on vacation. The alternatives horrify me, and although this is the saddest thing that’s happened to me, I’m grateful for the way in which it happened. I see the Lord’s hand in it.

On the drive to the hospital, as cheesy as it sounds, God spoke peace and comfort to us through some Christian contemporary music (Jason Gray’s “Sparrow”).

“If He can hold the world, He can hold this moment.”

I think He has our little sparrow in his hands. A few weeks before we found out about the miscarriage, I had spent some time journaling with God, and He shared with me His love for me and for our baby. I know He has our sparrow.

The D&C went fine. The worst part of physical pain was the six sticks it took the nurses and staff to get an IV and blood drawn. Our doctor even let us do one final ultrasound, just for peace of mind, just to check that God hadn’t allowed a miracle to happen. She was so kind and compassionate. I went home that afternoon, and after resting for a few hours and finally getting to eat something, with our doctor’s blessing, we left for Arlington.

It may seem crazy they we went on vacation literally hours after leaving the hospital, but I think it was what was best for us. We saw family (including my parents, grandparents, and two of my three siblings) and mourned with them. We spent a lot of time together as a couple. We checked in on each other’s emotions. We held each other as we cried. We laughed and had fun. We enjoyed amazing weather and beautiful scenery. We accepted feelings of sadness when we saw adorable babies in Mizzou clothing everywhere, but also started regrowing our hope that one day we will have adorable babies in Mizzou clothing. We worshiped in the church where I started to fully cultivate my relationship with God. We ate breakfast with the pastor who married us, who has mentored us throughout the years. We cuddled a fat cat. We ate amazing food. We wrestled through the complex thoughts of grief (Am I sad because we lost this baby, or am I sad because we lost the possibility of a baby? Or both? Or does it matter? Should I be more sad? Should we start trying again right away?). We drove through four state capitols. We saw one of Greg’s favorite musical artists. I bought a candle from the Fixer Upper Silos. I posted a lot of happy pictures from that trip and felt conflicted about it. I didn’t want to paint the picture that we were fine because we weren’t. But it’s not a lie to say we enjoyed the trip and we did have fun. The trip was a gift I am forever grateful for.

I’m also forever grateful for the man I married, my best friend, my rock of a husband, Greg. Many times over the last two weeks I have been overwhelmed to tears with love for him. Seeing his heart for our baby and for me through the last few months is astounding. I know I wouldn’t be in this situation without him, but I also know I couldn’t make it through this situation without him. I know he’s hurting, too, but even in his pain he serves me and puts my needs first. He watched the Middle Tennessee Nobodies just decimate my Tigers instead of watching the biggest game of the week (maybe season?), Alabama vs. Texas A&M. A&M ended up losing, too, but the fact that he went to that football game with me instead of watching his (actually pretty good) team, is just one of the thousands of ways he’s shown me love lately.

On our honeymoon, Greg I went to see the Seattle Symphony play a Pixar concert. They performed music from all the Pixar movies, accompanied by clips from each film. Right before intermission, they played the score from the opening montage from Up!

If you haven’t cried while watching this opening montage, you are a robot. And for the newlywed couple who’s marriage was less than a week old? You better believe we both cried like little babies! After the symphony finished their piece you could audibly hear the entire audience sniffling, which was pretty hilarious actually. Greg even overheard a college-aged girl on the way out for intermission proclaim, “Why didn’t they show the part with the goofy dog??”

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On the Tuesday after we got the news, I scrolled through the “miscarriage” part of Pinterest for whatever reason, looking for hope, other people’s stories, a chance to cry, something. I saw this image from Up! and I couldn’t contain the tears. I remembered our honeymoon and our first few days of marriage. I remembered watching that montage thinking it was sad, but it was life, and hopefully none of the hard things in that montage would happen to us. But even if it did, at least we could have each other. And we still do. And that is something I thank God for every day.

We’re back home now. The first day back at work was rough. While I was out, a few things happened with coworkers at my office and now we’re down two staff members for the next few months. It’s stressful, but my boss and coworkers are kind and understanding. Greg came back to one of the biggest church events bearing down on him, just about a week out. It was hard to go back into our normal routine when we’re feeling anything but normal.

God continues to meet us here, though. He gives us friends with listening ears and big hearts. He reveals other couples who have walked this walk before. He speaks hope and comfort to us. I know He grieves with us. He is here, and He works all things for the good of those who love Him. He also lost His own son and knows the pain of death. Thankfully He has conquered it, and we have hope in eternal life with Him.

Thank you for letting me share our story.

A mid-summer’s update

Once again, another month six weeks has passed without comment on the ol’ blog! My friend Barclay mentioned that I would shake my head in disapproval of his only updating his blog a few times each summer to update his friends on his yearly trip to Nigeria, but considering I usually only update mine one a month, I can’t shake my head too vigorously!

Summer in San Marcos is blowing past. I can’t believe I’ve lived here for nearly two months! I can count down the weekends until the busyness of August hits with upcoming events. (Jenna’s wedding, my trip to Colorado, a free weekend, Cousin Camp, 2.42’s staff retreat… hello mid-August!)

So what have I been up to? I’ll try to break it down.

Job: Loving my job helping freshmen register for classes. It’s a good mix of busybusybusy on orientation days, and productive but peaceful on preparation days. I’m getting to know my coworkers and campus and enjoying it all.

Friends: I’ve spent a lot of time with Greg’s friends, who I’d like to think are now truly my friends as well. I must admit I am thankful for Greg’s good taste in companionship. Even when Greg’s not here, I sincerely enjoy hanging out with his roommates and other friends and look forward to our various adventures (authentic Japanese Ramen in Austin, breweries in Wimberley, billiards, long games of Settlers of Catan, watching old Star Trek series on Netflix, floating the river, sushi night, movie night, etc.). They’ve also been extremely charitable and helpful as I’ve needed a lot of friend-help lately with laundry facilities, picking up appliances from Austin, and getting my car’s AC repaired. There is still a lack of mid-20s gals to spend time with (though I do love the college ladies in our homegroup!), but I’m hoping with the return of my roommates at the end of the month that the situation will improve. (Come home, Allison & Sandy!)

Hobbies: With no homework to clutter my evenings and weekends, I’ve been able to take up (or re-take-up) some hobbies I’ve missed. I’ll admit, most of them are solo endeavors, but I’m hoping to pick up some more social leisure activities in the future! Mostly I’ve…

  • Spent Saturday and Sunday mornings lazily half-watching movies I’ve already seen whilst cleaning and straightening up the house.
  • Marathoned three seasons of Downton Abbey in the span of a week or two, basically. Have since moved onto Star Trek: Deep Space 9 (taking it much slower, though).
  • Read some great books and started my friend Megan’s summer book challenge (which I also participated in last year).
  • Set up my sewing machine! Can’t wait to start some projects.
  • Cooked! I cook real food now, guys.
  • Taken up walking in an effort to make my clothes fit better since my last semester of grad school hit me pretty hard in that department.
  • Guitar’d a bit, though not as much as I’d like. I’m missing my jam sesh friends in College Station.
  • Skyping/phoning far-away friends, as per usual.

Scout: Has been a little bit of a terror. Ever since we moved she’s been quite needy and cries all the time. I hypothesize that this is because she went from living with five girls who doted on her at least gave her minimal attention (depending on the girl) throughout the day to living with just me, who is gone 8-5 most days and several evenings a week. Our weekends together when she feels acknowledged are much better than our evenings when she begs for my attention by MEOWING and scratching at the blinds until I go to sleep. Wait, who am I kidding. She cries for at least 15 minutes even after I turn out the lights. She must be in the cat teenage stage or the terrible twos or something.

The last days of a long-distance relationship: It’s funny to think that this long-distance thing Greg and I have been doing for nearly a year is almost at an end! Communication from Estes Park, Colorado, to San Marcos, Texas, has been more challenging than I thought it was going to be, but it’s been a strengthening and growing experience for us, I think. Just four more weeks and Greg and I will actually live in the same place!

In summary, it’s been a good summer. And although it seems almost over, there’s still a solid month left. I am looking forward to more cooking and walking, visiting College Station for my dear friend Jenna’s wedding, flying to Colorado to visit my favorite summer getaway town (I guess it will be nice to see Greg, too…), hanging out with my family on my uncle’s ranch, bonding with other leaders and students in my church at their annual planning retreat, spending my evenings doing things I enjoy, and more.

Fingers crossed I will also post some more blogs soon! I’m trying to work it into my hobbies rotation.

Welcome to San Marvelous

Hello, oft-neglected blog. Once again, a busy life has kept me from processing through my keyboard the past month’s events. I think it can be summed up in this:

In the span of 11 days, I graduated with my master’s degree; went home to Arlington to celebrate my brother graduating from high school; drove back to College Station, packed up my apartment, and moved to San Marcos; met my new roommates in my new house; unpacked; was a bridesmaid in one of my best friend’s wedding; said goodbye to Greg for the summer; and started a new job.

My parents and I at my master's hooding ceremony

My parents and I at my master’s hooding ceremony

My brother and cousin as little kids. This photo was part of their senior banquet display.

My brother and cousin as little kids. This photo was part of their senior banquet display.

Putting up some decorations in my new room

Putting up some decorations in my new room

One of the only photos of my from Jen & Kyle's wedding... hopefully more will surface soon!

One of the only photos of my from Jen & Kyle’s wedding… hopefully more will surface soon!

Greg & I at Jen & Kyle's rehearsal lunch. He left for Colorado shortly after. :(

Greg & I at Jen & Kyle’s rehearsal lunch. He left for Colorado shortly after. 😦

Arch in the UAC overlooking the San Marcos square, the building where I work at Texas State.

Arch in the UAC overlooking the San Marcos square, the building where I work at Texas State.

Whew!

So far I am enjoying the new chapter of my life in San Marcos.

I’ve been on the job a week, and although it’s been a whirlwind of training and “Math 1316 is useless,” and “Just follow the core curriculum,” and prepping for 5000+ freshmen to come through our office this summer, I think I’m going to love it.

My house is adorable and my roommates are great.

Greg’s (my?) church has been so welcoming. I’ve already played with several babies, and been invited to watch movies, play games, and to an Arrested Development Season 4 marathon tonight! I also talked with our pastor about officially coming on as associate volunteer staff, and I’m excited to see that role unfold.

So far, life in San Marvelous has been pretty marvelous! I’m enjoying my three-day weekend and looking forward to finally unpacking/organizing the last few boxes, meeting new friends here, and learning how to live this new full-time job lifestyle sans homework!