I feel like I’m on the edge of something. A precipice. Like I’m pressed up against a glass wall keeping me from falling forward and any moment it’s going to give way. Not in a bad way. Not in a I’m-about-to-fall-to-a-rocky-death way. Just in… a way of anticipation. Anticipation of something. But I don’t know what. Something is about to happen, maybe.
I’m only writing this because I can’t process this feeling. I don’t know what it means. I have to get this squirrely, disjointed thoughts out of my head and
onto paper into written word.
I know I’ve been listening to Karla Adolphe’s “Safe Place” on repeat for about half an hour.
You whispered a song over me
I’m slow to answer, slow to speak
I found a safe place
Remember the day you called my name
I was a stranger, but You loved me the same
I found a safe place
How wide is Your love
How high, how deep, it’s untouched
I’m not enough
I found a safe place in You
You are the one my heart is waiting for
You are my treasure, You are the key, You are the door
You hold tight, You hold me quiet, You hold me safe
I know these past two weeks have been more relaxing and restful than I could have ever imagined. I’m not stressed for the first time in… I don’t even know how long.
I know I’ve felt tears sting my eyes randomly over the past two days for seemingly (?) no reason. I know I saw the Mill Creek, after a week of low water and mud and rocks, finally flowing full and alive Sunday on a walk to the grocery store right as Jon Foreman sang “He makes me rest in fields of green with quiet streams.” I know this summer if a gift from the Lord.
But what else is it? What else is supposed to happen this summer? What am I supposed to do besides rest? What am I supposed to learn? Is rest all? I feel like it’s not. God’s got something in store for me, but I can’t figure out what.
I know this reminds me of two summers ago, but in a different way. Two years ago I was asking, “Why did you being me to Colorado, God? I feel just as dry and dead here as I did in Missouri. What was the point?” I’m seeing the point of Oregon; oh how am I seeing the point. But I want more.
I want to want God more. I want more of His presence. More of His intimacy. It’s there! I know it is. But there’s a pane of glass in the way, or something. What’s holding me here, Lord?
“For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless.” -Pslam 84:11
I’m ready, Lord. Lead me through the fields and streams, through the valley, wherever you want to take me this summer. I just want to be with you.