Tonight my heart feels heavy. The past week was hard. I worked an extra 18 hours more than normal and neglected my school work. I was overwhelmed with stress from work and school. I let it distance me from God.
I let lies of inadequacy, jealousy and loneliness sneak into my heart. I listened the junk tapes of “you’re not good enough,” “you’re not spiritual enough,” and “your gifts aren’t cool enough.” I struggled with accepting the lack of control in my life and the mass of uncertainty clouding my future. I prayed for God to give me clarity, to give me a yes or a no, or to give me patience. I think he chose to give me patience. I’m still trying receive it. Waiting is hard. This time in my life is hard. I work hard. I (am supposed to) study hard. And a lot of the time I don’t want to be here, waiting for my life to begin. I don’t want to be in class. I want to be in the “real world,” starting my “real life.” I am tired of feeling like the only one who has to balance work and school and outside life.
This week I realized just how small my faith is and how often I put God in a limiting box. I doubt that God will show up and fear that I will be disappointed if I ask him to. I often believe God doesn’t have the power to heal me, to speak to me, to radically work in my life. I realized that as much as God has worked in me to become my center, I often push him aside, temporarily allowing work or people or my insecurities take his place.
I realized I don’t give God enough glory. I long for him to speak to me through worship when worship is all about praising him. Worship is the time for me to tell God how awesome he is, not necessarily a time to take and take and take and think about me, me, me.
God, I am so sorry. I am so sorry that I forget that you are enough. You are my comforter. You satisfy me; people do not. Our relationship is our own, and I shouldn’t covet your relationship with others. My gifts are freaking awesome, and you will use them and me to do powerful things for your kingdom. God, even when I can’t see where you’re taking my future, I know it’s in your hand, and I can trust that. Even when I grow weary of waiting, I know it will be worth it because you work all things out for the good of those who believe in you. You give me perseverance to push through grad school; when I want to quit, you remind me why I am here. God, you are so powerful. You can do anything. I repent for my doubt and unbelief. You say hope will not disappoint us. I chose to believe you over my fickle heart. God, I apologize for taking you down from the center of my life and replacing you with meaningless mist of this world. People’s opinions of me don’t matter. Work does not define me or drive me. You have called me your daughter, and that is my identity. God I praise you for what you have done in my life. I praise you for saving me and drawing me close to you, for romancing me and loving me. I can’t even think of words adequate enough to describe what you have done for me. All I can think about is that time that my sister told me, “I really wish there were words to describe God that weren’t also used to describe tacos.” “Awesome” just doesn’t cut it.
This week is the last week of the Divine Experiment. Please pray for me and my homegroup as we focus on repenting this week as we continue to humble ourselves and seek God’s face. The experiment will culminate with our church’s fall retreat, Spiritual Challenge Weekend, or SCW (pronounced scwuh). Pray God convicts us of the sin areas in our lives and brings us healing and wholeness as we surrender them to him.
In less heart-heavy news, our homegroup voted on our T-shirt design, and mine was chosen! Look at me using my Missouri School of Journalism degree for the Kingdom!