“Remember, no matter where you go, there you are.”
This is an oft-quoted phrase among the guys in my canvas group, and I think its pretty applicable to something I’ve been wrestling with over, well, my entire senior year, but especially the last few weeks.
See, in 54 days, I am graduating from the University of Missouri. In 65 days, I’m moving to College Station, Texas. I’ve got six weeks of class left. The semester is flying by, and after this week, it’s spring break, and it will only fly by faster after that.
But at the same time, I’m still here. I’m at Mizzou. I have two months left in Columbia. That’s still a good chunk of time.
So here I am grounded in CoMO, able to see my future in College Station grow clearer every day. I’m torn. I’m not entirely sure where I should be focusing my attention.
People have been giving me a hard time about my obsession with A&M for months, but now that I know for sure I’m actually moving down, I’ve become even more excited, and even more people have commented on it. “Lindsay, you’re still at Mizzou.” I even had someone called it an “idol,” and however jokingly or not they meant it, they wouldn’t have said it without some sort of evidence to support it.
I definitely wouldn’t go as far as saying A&M is an idol for me, but it is on my mind a lot. Probably as much as my mind is on Mizzou and my responsibilities here. And that probably(?) isn’t great.
I think to some extent I do need to focus on my future in Texas. I have housing logistics for the summer and fall to figure out. I’m “meeting” new classmates on Facebook every day. I have a decision to make about which homegroup to join, and I want to be in prayer about that and other aspects of my move.
But then I realize I only have two months to soak up as much Columbia as possible. In two moths, some of my best friends will be moving really far away! (Memphis, New York, Connecticut… who knows where else.) I have limited time to hang out with them before then. And then there are my younger friends who I’ll be moving away from. I only have two months to spend with them!
And then there’s school. I’m in to grad school, and I don’t have Latin honors to defend, so I’m somewhat coasting through my classes. I didn’t re-write my B+ poli sci paper for a chance at an A. I didn’t study for my art midterm until mere hours before I took it. I care enough, but not an ounce more.
And that’s kind of where I am with my responsibilities at work and at church. These are the things I’ve really pushed to the back. I’m having a hard time giving these duties priority when I have relationships I want to continue growing in before I leave and new Texas relationships that have already started blossoming to look forward to. When I’m asked to focus on the here and now and the hard things and the challenging things and the tedious things and the things I won’t be around for next year, it frustrates me. I’m having a really hard time seeing the point and finishing strong. And I know I should care more, but right now I don’t.
What do I want to spend my time on?
Baking cupcakes, playing knockout, praying for opportunities to serve and grow in Texas, worshipping with my canvas group friends, getting Yogoluv with the girls I’ve known since freshman year, visiting my sister before I go from being six hours away from her to nine hours away from her, preparing myself for the changes God’s going to make in me next year, studying the minimum amount to reasonably succeed, enjoying my last beautiful Mizzou spring, looking forward to the summer, getting excited for my friends’ futures…
But I have other things I have to do here. Because no matter where I go, there I am. And I am here. For two more months. And I should make the most of it. But I should also finish through on my responsibilities. I need to stop being selfish. And I’m going to need some strength and encouragement to do that.
And so that is why I’m going to ask for your prayers in this area of my life. Because right now, I’m struggling to be in the present.