The night before I left Texas to come back to Missouri, I couldn’t sleep at all. It wasn’t because I was particularly excited or scared; I had just let my sleeping habits get way out of whack over the break, so forcing myself to go to bed at 11:30 to wake up for the 7 a.m. drive was not working at all.
In desperation to find something to tire me out, I got online and started looking at flights.
You see, I have somewhere between one and four possible flights I could be taking in the next seven months — “possible flights” being the key term.
As we all know, I am a huge planner, and as a huge planner, I know the farther in advance you buy plane tickets, the cheaper they are, usually. Unfortunately, all the things I need to buy plane tickets for are up in the air (excuse the pun).
Three of those flights are grad school interviews that I haven’t been invited to yet, but should hear from in the next two weeks. One of those flights is for my friend’s wedding in July. That’s up in the air because I’m not sure where I’ll be in July. Hopefully I’ll be in Colorado at LT (which would require me to fly from Denver to DFW), but if I end up with a grad school assistantship that needs me to start working this summer, I could be in San Marcos, Texas; Bowling Green, Ohio; or College Station, Texas. So I can’t really book that flight yet.
Basically these all come down to grad schools. I finished my applications at the beginning of break, and since then it’s just been a waiting game — just waiting for one of them to say, “Looks good! Come interview for us!”
And the thing is, until I get these invitations, everything important about my future is uncertain. I don’t know if I need to book these four flights. I don’t know where I’ll be this summer. I don’t know where I’ll be this fall. I DON’T KNOW.
And while sometime this drives me crazy, I keep reminding myself that God is in control and worrying about it is pointless. There’s nothing I can do about it, so I need to stop fretting.
We sang “Only You” last night at church, and the second verse really hit me.
Take all my fret, take all my fear
All that I have, I’m leaving here
Be all my hopes, be all my dreams
Be my delights, be my everything
And that’s my recurring prayer. Take the worry away from me and remind me that you are in control, God! You know all my hopes and dreams, and I know you will take care of me.
Well see what I know in two weeks.