When holding on is a bad thing

Sometimes I feel like I'm playing Tug of War with God. I want to take back my worries from Him, but he wants to take them from me.

I would say, for the most part, God has taught me that I can trust him. And I do. 75% of the time.

If you’ve ever heard me give my testimony (if you haven’t, I’m thinking about posting it here sometime), you know a big part of my relationship with God is giving him control of my future and letting his plans trump my own.

“Whatever’s next is in Your plans, in Your hands, nothing less.”
—Light by The Rocket Summer

Whatever’s meant to be will work out perfectly.
—(ironically) Keep Holding On by Avril Lavigne

But there’s one aspect of my life that I keep snatching back from Him, even when I’ve given the rest of my plans and future to Him.

Where should I go to college?
I don’t know, but God will show me.
Where should I do this summer?
I don’t know, but God will show me.
Is there a community I’ll feel loved and accepted in on campus?
I don’t know, but God will show me.

Through all these things, God has shown me. But then there’s this question:

Will I ever get married?
I don’t know, and it scares me to death, and probably the best thing to do right now is mull over it and freak out and leave God out of it, because He doesn’t seem like He’s too worried about it, and if I worry about it, obviously things will get better.

Humph.

Now that was a little exaggerated. Honestly I would say 75% of the time I am not worried about my romantic future. I’ve worked through that (it used to bother me a lot that I haven’t dated anyone) and good things have come from my singleness. I’ve learned to appreciate being independent. I don’t find my worth in guys’ opinions of me. I don’t have any romantic baggage. I’ve maintained my purity. These are all good things. In my head I know God will put me where I need to be and put the people in my life that need to be there. In my head I trust him.

And then my heart kicks in. If I were to be completely honest with you, I would tell you that my dream job is a stay-at-home mom. Don’t get me wrong. I love college kids and am so excited to go to grad school and learn more about working in Student Affairs, but if my life worked out perfectly to my plans, I wouldn’t work, and I would stay home with my kids “when I grow up.”

And even if I trust God in my head, the fact that I’m 21 and have never even had a guy interested in me (to my knowledge) hurts my heart sometimes. Not all of the time. Just when something awakens that fear. It’s like a dormant virus. And then I snatch my worry that I handed over to God right back from Him and hold on for dear life, which is completely irrational and counterintuitive to everything I’ve learned about God. See! I know this! IN MY HEAD.

Last week we had a speaker at LT who gave two talks: one on fear and one on faith. Tuesday night he asked us what we were most afraid of and why. To be honest, Tuesday I was exhausted from Project Day and my first time sledding (EVER!) and had a hard time focusing, but I wrote down that my biggest fear was never getting married.

Then Thursday he read us a passage from Psalms and reminded us of two of God’s biggest attributes: God is loving, and God is strong.

“One thing God has spoken, two things have I heard: that you, O God, are strong, and that you, O Lord, are loving. Surely you will reward each person according to what he has done.”
—Psalm 62:11-12

God loves me. God knows the desires of my heart. God knows I want a family, children, a husband. And while there is the possibility that none of that is in His plans for me, God loves me and won’t let those desires go unanswered. He may not answer them the way I want Him to, but He will resolve those feelings in some way. My honest prayer is that he resolves them with a husband and children, but I’ve got to trust him enough to know that God loves me and will provide for me.

And the craziest part about this whole thing is that this is not the time for me to find a husband right now. I have no idea where I’ll be in a year. I’m going to grad school, I know that, but for the most part, anyone I know right now won’t be going where I’m going in the next year. Why am I worrying about this now? The timing’s not even right. Oh, Lindsay, you’re heart is silly sometimes.

The thing is I really do trust him. I just fall sometimes and grab that worry back from Him. And what I really need to do is stop holding on and let God hold take my worry from me.

“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”
—I Peter 5:7

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7 thoughts on “When holding on is a bad thing

  1. Lindsay Cochrum, this has been one of my biggest struggles, too. The lack of romantic prospects. The really wanting to be a stay-at-home mom. I often fail to love the Lord like my perfect groom; I fail to find whole satisfaction in His love for me; I feel entitled to a husband, to love. (I’m not sure if that’s part of your struggle, but it’s definitely a big part of mine.) I bet we could have a wonderful conversation about it when we’re both back in Columbia – and I want to hear about your summer, as well! 🙂

    • Gwen Daniels, thank you for this comment 🙂 I’ve realized this summer that I want and need to fall passionately in love with the Lord, and it’s something I’m definitely working on, but at the same time I still struggle with the desire for human affection. I know we can have some good convos about this and probably more back in CoMO 🙂 Can’t wait to hear about your summer as well!

  2. If it comforts you at all, guys most of the time are too scared to tell anyone their interested half of the time, so I wouldn’t let that phase you…

  3. I just realized that I said “most of the time” and followed directly with “half of the time.” Clearly, sentence composition escapes me.

  4. These thoughts and fears also filled my heart when I was 21. I was so tired of people telling me, “if you can’t be happy single, you’ll never be happy married.” Balderdash! I knew myself enough to know the yearnings of my heart would not be completely filled while I was single and childless. But God was indeed keeping a special plan for me, and I married my wonderful husband when I was 26 and had my precious babies at 29 and 31. I got to quit my teaching job and be the stay at home mom I’d always wanted to be, because God’s timing was right. I would love to go back and tell my 21-year old self that God would indeed bless my future, but since I can’t, I’ll just tell you that your trust is well-placed. (Just so you’ll know I’m not some random stranger, my husband and I knew your family at North Davis Cof C when you were little… )

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