I want something to live for

While this Natalie Dee comic may seem a little unrelated/silly, I really think that Satan takes advantage of stagnant relationships with God and uses them to plant his own seeds of discord.

I feel like I’m in a rut.

God and I have been together now for a long time. Technically I gave my life over to Him when I was eight. Eight. That means we have been in communion with one another for more than 12 years.

Our relationship has been through many highs and lows. In fact, I would say I hadn’t really been giving him the attention He deserved until the past year, but even so, I feel so… blah right now.

I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I think it’s that I’ve lost my wonder and amazement for what God has done for me. How terrible is that? I know he gave his life for me, forgave me, forgives me continually for every time I mess up, covers me in grace, cleanses me of my sins, loves me unconditionally, promised me eternal life, and yet, right now, none of that moves me.

I feel like I’m going through the motions.

“You open up and book and read a thousand lines, but you don’t really read, you just move your eyes.”
Walls by The Rocket Summer

And now that I’ve realized this stagnancy, I am longing for more. I want to see God through renewed eyes, through the eyes of a child, a new believer, one who realizes the significance and weight of His grace and mercy.

I want to be crazy in love with the Lord. I want Him to be on my mind at all times. I want to think of Him more than any other. I want this so badly, and yet I can’t seem to muster up the feelings. It’s like I’m in a relationship with someone, and as much as I want to still have feelings for him, I just don’t feel the way I used to about him.

If you know me at all or have read any of my blogs, I hope you realize my deep appreciation for The Rocket Summer. His last album came out in February, and I instantly fell in love with it. His lyrics on this album are so vulnerable, so relatable, so much about my life. And even though I’ve listened to that album probably 45 times, some songs from that CD hit me really hard yesterday. I’ve always thought they were good songs, but they weren’t necessarily about me; until yesterday.

From I Want Something to Live For:

Once I was fearless, going up against the world
Optimistic, seeing all the reasons for
Got through the darkness, I could live through anything
Where, where did it go?

I wanna feel it, like I did back then, but more
I really need it, more than I’ve ever before
I believed it oh, oh
Where, where did it go?

From Walls:

When everywhere you go feels like a mirror maze
And you’re not sure how you’re stuck in this place
And you’ve got nowhere else to go
And you’re lost within your own home
You’re trying so hard to win
You keep trying, it’s embarrassing
And how? You don’t even know
But you know you’re off the tracks
And how did you get in here
Thinking, “How did I get in here
?”

I’ll help you break the walls down
I’ll help you break the walls down
And bust you out
And take you home
Believe you me
You are not alone
I’ll help you break the walls down

The difference between my previous analogy about a relationship gone stale and my relationship with God is that this is more than a relationship. It’s a marriage. I have married Christ and am His bride, and he has vowed to love me eternally, and I Him. And unlike a simplistic earthly relationship, I cannot and will not bail on my Lord. I will fight through these feelings of complacency and stagnancy. And I won’t be alone. He will be there, tearing down the walls. And I will have a new reason to live; I will live because God has given me life more abundantly than I could ask for or imagine.

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2 thoughts on “I want something to live for

  1. I know how you feel. I was in a rut as well and its not like i doubted my salvation or Christ’s love I was just apathetic in my walk with Christ. If you would even call it a walk it was more of a standstill.

  2. Be careful about searching for feelings. Feelings can be misleading, and they are temporary. What is a better test of your faith: whether or not you can still trust and follow God when he doesn’t seem real or you feel distant, or whether or not you FEEL a certain way about God? Just like a romantic relationship, feelings come and go, but the test is your commitment.

    That’s just my two cents….you can, you can take it or leave it. đŸ™‚

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