Ms. Lindsay Cochrum, M.S.

Today I officially passed my master’s degree comprehensive exam and qualified to graduate in 39 days with a master’s degree in student affairs administration in higher education. I’m trying to take it all in.

Honestly, passing my comps was sort of given. I don’t mean that in a flippant way; I just mean that our program prepares us well for our field, and solving and presenting a case study using all the skills and knowledge I learned in the past two years was more of a natural culmination than a grueling test. So it was a big deal, but it also wasn’t.

I guess it’s just strange for me to think that in a little more than a month, I’m done with College Station. I’m done with homework and reading and writing papers (for now.) It’s a little hard to grasp after being in school full-time for 19 years. (NINETEEN YEARS??)

It’s a little hard to grasp because two years here FLEW. I remember this time last year looking up to my second-year-friend Erica and thinking she was so grown up and accomplished and professional, and she is. But so am I! I am that second year that Erica was applying for jobs and going off into the real world. When did that happen?

So much as transpired over the past two years here. I’ve grown so much. I am constantly astounded by much growth occurs in such short spans on time. God works quickly! Two years ago preparing to graduate from Mizzou seems so long ago. I thought I was mature then, and I was, but I’ve grown even more since then.

I joined a new church and a new homegroup.
I made an entirely new set of friends.
I lived with roommates for the first time since I was a freshman.
I wrote 20-page papers like it was nothing.
I read and read and read for class.
I read for fun some, too.
I advised student groups.
I counseled students.
I went through heartbreak and conflict with friends that ended well by the grace of the Lord.
I got a cat.
I left the country.
I lived in Oregon.
I experienced the Lord in new and intimate ways.
My love for worship and my skills in that area blossomed.
I had my first date.
I had my first kiss.
I entered the stage of life where close friends start getting married.
I had bed bugs.
My first close relative passed away.
I shared the gospel with someone and then got to baptize them!
I somewhat conquered my fear of biking.
I was reunited with wildflower season in Texas.
I went to my first professional work conferences and met people in my field from across the country.
And so much more.

The next two years of my life are pretty hazy, but I am PRIMED for some BIG life transitions again. I’m not entirely sure where I will be and what I will be doing and with whom I’ll be doing things, but I know it’ll be good and that the Lord will continue to provide for me and grow me.

It all goes back to my blog title that I picked when I was just a wee-little 20-year old half-way through her junior year of college.

I am in progress. And I’m excited to see the progress that occurs in the next two years.

How’s it going?!

It’s been two months since I posted. Oy. This semester was supposed to be less busy than last semester! Alas, this prediction does not seem to be coming to fruition… thankfully, I think I would say that although this semester has been busy, my busy-ness hasn’t necessarily been difficult. Now, balancing everything has been challenging, but the tasks I need to accomplish are fairly straightforward.

Lately, when someone asks me how I have been doing, this has been my standard response: “Well, my life right now is pretty much school, work, homegroup, support raising, job searching, and Greg.” So I’ll fill you in on how it’s been going.

1. School
I am in my last semester of grad school, and BOY, do I have senioritis. I’m only taking three classes, but each day I have class I have to amp myself up to go. Not that the classes are bad, I’m just so ready to be done and graduate. Less than 90 days to go, people! Homework is definitely being pushed back until the last minute, but I’m trying not to be on total cruise control…

2. Work
Work is… work. Putting some structure to the peer mentor program we started last semester. Not too much going on here.

3. Homegroup
This semester I joined our small group’s leadership team, which means several extra meetings a week, but I don’t mind much at all. I love my fellow core team members Dustin & Megan, and I can’t complain about getting to meet with amazing women from our church for support and discipleship! Homegroup is interesting this semester; we’re on the cusp of losing about half our members to graduation, but I’ve been enjoying it and am excited to see the growth the Lord has in store for Shockwave.

4. Support Raising
Oy, this is probably one of the more time-consuming things on my plate. This summer I am interning as a staff member at Colorado Leadership Training, but in order to do so, I need to raise $8000 to cover administration costs, training, travel, my summer wages, and fees. Support raising is tricky because it’s never really done. I could work for 8 hours a day every day for a week on ministry team development (MTD), and I most likely still wouldn’t be done after that week. I have to be careful to use my time productively but not get sucked into MTD because I have other responsibilities that need taking care of on a day-to-day basis. So far the going is sort of slow. I’ve had four people give and about 30 tell me they want to… Hoping to see the balance in the account I’m responsible for go up soon! (If you’d like to hear more about the internship, check the “Colorado LT” tab above!)

5. Job Searching
Oh job searching… you are so tricky. I do not understand your timing. I need a job in mid-August. Are the jobs that are open now willing to wait for me until then? Who knows. I am trying to discern good ways to spend my time by applying to jobs I am really interested in but not applying for jobs out of sheer necessity yet. It’s been tricky to because I am trying to find a job in a limited area. Which, by the way, is the same area as a certain boy. I’m trying to move somewhere FOR A BOY. What is my life? This leads me to #6.

6. Greg
One of the more fun aspects of my life! Greg and I celebrated six months of dating last week, which is crazy to me. I can’t believe I’ve been hanging out with this guy for half of a year! Things are going quite well, if I do say so myself. We try to see one another ever other week, but this semester it’s been slightly more frequently… until we get to an upcoming break with what looks like five weeks in a row of mismatched weekend plans (psh, who needs women’s retreats, discipleship conferences, and mission trips? #longdistancechristiancoupleproblems), which will probably suck. But at least we have the summer in Colorado to look forward to! (Yes, Greg’s going to Colorado, too. No, that’s not why I decided to go. But you know I am definitely not upset about it either…)

I guess I have a #7, too.
7. Miscellaneous
Because I don’t want you to think I work/go to class all day, raise support all night, then only ever spent time with Greg. I have other friends! And roommates! And a cat! And regular TV shows I watch and musical instruments I play and books I read. Respectively:

• Friends: Biweekly coffee dates with my amazing friend Jen (whose wedding for whom I will have my first bridesmaid-ship in May) and whatever phone calls/friend dates I can squeeze into Fridays/Saturday mornings/Sunday afternoons
• Roommates: The lovely Megan, Catha, Kristina, & Christina (whose wedding I’ll be attending in less than a month!) who fill my house with goofiness and laughter
• Cat: Still adorable and mischievous as she’s ever been. Though I might be slowly teaching her to have separation anxiety because I have been out-of-town approximately 12 of the last 35 days…
• TV Shows: Bunheads, HIMYM, New Girl, The Mindy Project, Modern Family, Up All Night (which hasn’t been on?), The Office (don’t get me started on how much Andy sucks this season), Parks & Rec, and (RIP) 30 Rock.
• Musical instruments: Played guitar and sang for Sunday worship for the first time ever a few weeks ago! Guitar and viola on my own as well.
• Books: Read the first two C.S. Lewis Space Trilogy books and a young adult novel so far this semester. Plus a bunch of books over the winter break (Bossypants, Life of Pi, The Night Circus, The Tall Book)

So… that’s how it’s been going lately. I really do want to blog more regularly, but let’s be real: that hasn’t happened much since August. Dang you, 18th grade!

I’m no Merida

I have been told by many people this summer that I am incredibly brave. People are amazed that I would just pick up and move to Oregon without knowing anyone. They’re astounded I just picked up and moved to Missouri for college without knowing anyone. They think I’m this confident, independent woman who just makes friends at the drop of a hat and isn’t afraid of being alone. In some respects, part of that is true. I like to think I’m somewhat confident and independent (though I think that sentence just negated the “confident” part). I do make friends fairly easily, and I enjoy my alone time.

But y’all, if I’m being real, what you don’t know is that I’m homesick right now. I’m sitting here missing Columbia. I haven’t truly been homesick for Columbia in ages! I’m missing Colorado, and LT was two years ago. I’m missing College Station and Texas A&M. I’m missing my beautiful roommates and their daily friendship. I’m missing my homegroup and our crazy antics and shenanigans. I’m missing the dudes at the Dudeplex. I’m missing the people I play worship with on some Sunday mornings. I’m missing people able to play music with others in general. I’m missing people who would get excited and care that Mizzou and A&M are now both members of the SEC. There, I just word vomited all my homesickness out.

And I hate admitting this. I want to be brave. I want people to think I’m independent and confident. But that’s just my stupid pride. And that actually isn’t so good. So here I am telling you. When it comes down to it, I’m just not that brave.

(I am, however, a fiery redhead with a Scottish background, so in that sense, yes, I am like Merida. The blog post title is mostly a play on the movie’s title.)

Going to Mizzou wasn’t that big of a deal because it was college. Everyone picks up and starts a new life in college. You’re encouraged to break away from your high school friends and meet new people. Even though I knew no one going to Mizzou, I also knew lots of people would know no one at Mizzou. And we could know no one together. Plus there were all sorts of instruments in place to help me meet people at Mizzou: my Summer Welcome group, my residence hall, my FIG. That doesn’t count.

As for Oregon, yes, I moved here not knowing anyone, but I also knew it would only be for nine weeks. You can do anything for nine weeks. I also did a lot of research to ensure I wouldn’t be totally alone here. I friended the two ACUHO-I interns on Facebook before I even got to Oregon after I asked my boss if there would be other interns here. I researched churches before I left so I could start meeting people right away. People saw that as be just being a planner, but it was also me not wanting to be alone.

And even though I’ve met some great people here and really never run out of things to do, I miss my friends. I miss my home(s). I miss CoMO. I miss Colorado. I miss CStat. (I even miss Arlington a little, but actually not all that much. Sorry Mom & Dad and Blair and grandparents! I’m not used to seeing you that much… that’s the only reason why! I promise it’ll make sense by the end of this post.)

Ever since I moved to Mizzou, I have never truly been without friends. I had my Mizzou friends at Mizzou. I stayed in Columbia with friends for two summers. I went to Colorado for a summer, but I went with Mizzou friends, and in fact, it was nearly all my close Mizzou friends that went! I moved to College Station, but I also already had friends there. I went to Italy for two weeks, but that was only for two weeks, and I at least was starting to become friends with most of my teammates.

This summer, this Oregon summer, is the first time I have truly moved somewhere without knowing anyone or having a group of other newbies to cling to. This is the longest I’ve been apart from my CStat friends. (This is not even close to how long I’ve gone without seeing my family, hence not missing them as much. This is somewhat normal for how we function these days.)

This is quite possibly what post-grad-school life is like. And that terrifies me. People say I’m brave and can just move somewhere without knowing anyone, but I’m going to let you in on a little secret: I don’t want to do that when I graduate.

Searching for a job is like a big scary black unknown for me right now. Thank God it isn’t happening for 10 months. If I had my way, next fall I’d working in College Station, Austin, Memphis, San Marcos, the DFW, Mizzou or Pitt. Where I know people. Or where there are GCM churches. Where I would not be alone. I see these SAAHE second years recent grads who are off starting their lives in totally new places. They are the braves ones.

I dread starting over. I don’t want to have to share my life story with a new set of strangers. I don’t want to have to re-explain who people are when I tell stories from my past. And I realize this will happen even if I stay in CStat or move to another GCM campus church or back to Mizzou or whatever. I’m going to meet new people, and I actually enjoy making new friends. But only if I have some constants. Even moving to CStat was hard in that aspect because even though I had a few close friends there, I still had a support system to rebuild. I remember thinking to myself, “Crap. I have to find my new Amanda Craven (one of my closer female friends, peer discipler, and confidant).”

Anyway, now I’m just letting my fears out all over the page, which is silly because I know God is going to take care of me wherever I go. I will be okay if I stay in College Station. I will be okay if I end up moving to Montana or somewhere equally as random and far away. In fact, I will be better than okay. I will be great because the Lord’s plan for my life is more than my tiny, homesick mind can fathom. And if this post makes me sound miserable, don’t worry, I’m really not. I’m just excited that in five weeks I’ll be back in Texas. I’m going to enjoy my last five weeks here, but I’m also glad it’s only five weeks.

I just wanted to dispel this myth everyone keeps believing. I’m not that brave! I am only able to do this, to have this experience, because I trusted God with my summer. I know I’m supposed to be here, and it’s been really, really good for me. It’s been restful. It’s been professionally helpful. And it’s been revealing, socially and professionally, about what I want in the future. Just think. If I hadn’t come here this summer, this whole new experience might have been at my first job, which hopefully will last more than nine weeks. At least now I won’t be surprised by my homesickness in the future. I’m coming to terms with it. I don’t have to hide it out of my pride. I’m learning to accept my inherent need for true community, unconditional support, and deep friendship. And that’s worth nine weeks of missing.

Willamette Wednesday: Hitting my stride

Welcome back for another weekly edition of Willamette Wednesday! Here’s what’s been going on up in Oregon.

Work
Work has picked up pace considerably, and I finally feel like I have at least a few things to show for from my summer here. I’ve started writing assessments for orientation, which has been more challenging than I had anticipated. Sure, I took an entire class on assessment and even did an entire assessment project from start to finish, but y’all, writing questions to prove learning outcomes were met for orientation is hard. That being said, I don’t think I want to be the next Sandi Osters*. Don’t get me wrong; doing all this assessment this summer is a really great chance to practice and get more experience in something that will undoubtably be a part of whatever job I go into. I just don’t want it to be my entire job.

*Sandi Osters was our assessment professor and is the director of Student Life Studies, the student affairs assessment office, at Texas A&M.

Free Time
More of the same! This past weekend I finally stayed in Salem for the weekend, saw Brave, and ate the most delicious berries from the Salem Farmer’s Market. (Side note: Oregon has delicious, fresh berries all the time everywhere, and I’m kind of addicted to them.) I should have spent a good chunk of my Saturday designing the program for my cousin’s wedding next week… but I just watched Felicity instead. Oops. Sounds like I know what I’m doing tonight! I finally got a bike, but I haven’t been able to ride it yet due to a few busy nights and rain…

It’s cold.
Speaking of rain… and I know I sound like a huge spoiled jerk here to my friends watching wildfires in Colorado and my melting friends in Texas… BUT IT IS TOO COLD HERE. I can’t move to Oregon long-term. If this is summer, I don’t want to see the other seasons. I don’t really remember what the other side of 65 looks like. It’s been days since I’ve seen the sun in its full glory. I want to wear shorts and Chacos. I miss my hammock. Ok, complaining over. I’m going back to Texas for a few days next week, so I’m sure I’ll get blasted with sweltering heat and humidity then and appreciate the dampness and grey skies when I get back to Oregon… maybe…

Church
I have committed to going to Outward Church for the summer! It was the second church I tried, and though I was skeptical of Acts 29‘s ties to Mark Driscoll (the jury of my mind is still out on him), I’m liking Outward a lot. The atmosphere reminds me a lot of The Rock and Fellowship, and it has a similar demographic of people, though there are a lot more young married people than I’m used to. That’s cool, though, because I get to be in a community group of mostly 20-somethings from all parts of life: in school, working, single, married… it’s nice to hear from so many perspectives in discussion! It’s also pretty cool to see this community group in action because it is allowing me to live out a book my homegroup in College Station is reading this summer. This summer, the leadership team for our group plus a few other people (like me!) are reading Community: Taking Your Small Group Off Life Support by Brad House with hopes to apply some of its theory to Shockwave this fall. Because Brad House is a member of Mars Hill (Mark Driscoll’s church, which is a part of the Acts 29 network), my community group at Outward seems to be modeled off a lot of this book’s principles. It’s nice to have our group in Texas read about it, and then I can report on how it looks in practice! It’s also neat because our friend Dale is currently interning in Seattle and is attending Mars Hill this summer, so he gives us another perspective on the book’s advice!

This summer is going by so fast
I can’t believe July starts next week. This summer is flying by. I made a calendar at work to map out the projects I’m working on, and I can see all the weeks I have left on one page. Less than six weeks left! Six weeks is still sort of a long time, but I need to make sure I’m making the most of the glorious free time I have left!

Well, that’s all for now. Until next week, much love from the Pacific Northwest!

Pretty flowers, pretty girls

So remember a few weeks back when I posted about how great Texas springs are? About how beautiful the wild flowers are? And how I didn’t have any actual real-life photos to show you? Well, now I do! I had two photo shoots in the wildflowers this spring: one with my homegroup (aka my CStat family) and one with my roommates (aka my CStat sisters)!

Take a look! All of the photos were snapped by our dear friend, Blanche. You should definitely check out her stuff. The homegroup photos were taken on my friend Barclay‘s camera, and he edited those. Blanche edited the roommate photos. Needless to say, I have some talented photographer friends!

Shockwave: my homegroup family
(Photo by Blanche Jacobson; editing by Barclay Bell IV)

We're a little weird. Notice my "silly pose" is one of dispair because I *hate* silly photos.
(Photo by Blanche Jacobson; editing by Barclay Bell IV)

Homegroup ladies!
(Photo by Blanche Jacobson; editing by Barclay Bell IV)

Being goofy
(Photo by Blanche Jacobson; editing by Barclay Bell IV)

The ladies of the Den
(Photo and editing by Blanche Jacobson)

Love the focus on this one!
(Photo and editing by Blanche Jacobson)

This is seriously my fave. Holy cow I love these girls.
(Photo and editing by Blanche Jacobson)

Miss Kelsey
(Photo and editing by Blanche Jacobson)

Miss Jennifer
(Photo and editing by Blanche Jacobson)

Tehe... an awesome play on my roommate and her fiance's last names.
They got engaged this past weekend!
(Photo and editing by Blanche Jacobson; cropping and text added by me!)

Also can we talk about how freaking gorgeous my friends are?

Lazy Saturday

Today I really should be spending all my time reading and writing about color-blind racism for my Multicultural Issues in Student Affairs class. But I’m not. Instead I’m…

1. Recovering from an awesome lock-in retreat for my fabulous AOLP students. I love them, but sleeping for approximately 3 hours on a love seat while listening to them go on about A&M debut in the SEC next year left me tuckered out! When I got home this morning, I slept from 7:30 until 1…

2011-2012 AOLP Execs

Execs and OLMs from the Blue Toad team skitting it up last night

2. Catching up on my John & Hank Green videos. These YouTube celebs make vlogs about random observations, but have also recently branched off into a few other YouTube channels about trivia, world history & biology, and general science. Watching them reminds me of my childhood days of Bill Nye on PBS. I just always feel smarter after a marathon of Green Brothers’ videos!

Plus these guys have awesome taste and lead you to great new internet discoveries, such as this mini-documentary about the Salton Sea in Califonia.

3. Watching some MU/ku hoops. It’s the final scheduled match-up between Mizzou and our rivals, Kansas. Go Tigers! (It was 44-32 at half time. Largest half-time deficit in 5 years at Kansas!)

4. Getting mentally prepared to cover myself in blue paint and get some free Blue Baker for dinner! Looking forward to tonight’s homegroup hangout.

Racism can wait until tomorrow.

Texas is jealous of my love for Missouri

So remember that time I moved away from Mizzou back to Texas and how excited I was about that? Remember how I craved Texas? Remember how I obsessed about Texas A&M? WELL THE HONEYMOON PERIOD IS OVER, Y’ALL.

I mean, not really. I honestly do love Texas and wouldn’t trade being here for the world, but seriously, Texas is getting a little jealous and territorial, and I’m feeling a little smothered. IT WON’T LET ME CONNECT WITH MISSOURI. Some examples:

1. Homecoming
This year was Mizzou’s 100th Homecoming, and it was a big, freaking deal. I was trying to make every plan to go back to Missouri for the occasion, but it never came through, and the cherry on top was the fact that I had to work New Family Welcome that weekend. The fates did not want me to return to CoMO.

2. Mizzou vs. A&M (football)
The Tigers came to town at the end of October to play the Aggies. Along with the team came some of my good friends from Mizzou. Did I get to go to that game? Was I even in town that weekend? NO. Again for work, though this time it was for an all-expenses-paid trip to New Orleans, so I can only complain so much.

3. Mizzou vs. A&M (basketball)
The #3 ranked Missouri Tigers are coming to town to face off  against A&M this weekend. And I had the opportunity to go for free because I signed up for The Big Event. I, however, will be in Oklahoma City. For work. CRUEL WORLD.

4. Mizzou vs. A&M (baseball)
Our homegroup could possibly be going to Austin that weekend. This is just getting ridiculous.

5. Spring Break
I have the time off, but because Columbia is 2 hours from an airport and I don’t want to pay for a shuttle/spend my entire week there, I’m not going to visit. Besides, all my friends would be in school because we have different spring breaks. Womp womp.

But we haven’t even gotten to the pièce de résistance yet. Oh no. That’s what went down tonight. It’s a little different because it isn’t necessarily Texas keeping me away from Missouri… I mean in a way it is, but it’s almost like Missouri is trying to entice me and Texas is rubbing it in my face that I can’t make it work. Rude.

6. The Rocket Summer
I love The Rocket Summer. Everyone knows Bryce Avery is my favorite artist ever. I count him among the influential people in my life. I’m a little obsessed. Despite this fact, I have never seen a honest-to-goodness TRS headlining show. I’ve seen Bryce twice: once when he opened for One Republic at Harding University and once when he played a solo show in Dallas. I can’t count the number of times I have missed Dallas headlining shows because I lived in Missouri at the time.

WELL NOW THE TABLES HAVE TURNED. SORT OF.
I found out tonight that The Rocket Summer and Switchfoot (another one of my faves) are touring together in April & May. Guess where they’re playing on April 26. COLUMBIA FREAKING MISSOURI. Whyyyyy, Bryce and Jon, whyyyyyy? I waited patiently for four years for you to come, and you never did. I literally talked to Bryce about The Blue Note when I met him in Arkansas. This is just cruel. I mean, it’s still not a headlining show, but seeing two awesome bands within walking distance of where I lived in MO would have been so awesome. Thankfully they’re stopping in Frisco. And even though that’s kind of far away I WILL be at that show, dangit.

So Texas, honey, I promise to stay faithful to you. I am not going anywhere. If you let me see Missouri or some Tigers, I won’t run back to Mizzou with them. Seriously. I’m here for the long haul. Can you just lighten up a little?

 

A heavy heart

Tonight my heart feels heavy. The past week was hard. I worked an extra 18 hours more than normal and neglected my school work. I was overwhelmed with stress from work and school. I let it distance me from God.

I let lies of inadequacy, jealousy and loneliness sneak into my heart. I listened the junk tapes of “you’re not good enough,” “you’re not spiritual enough,” and “your gifts aren’t cool enough.” I struggled with accepting the lack of control in my life and the mass of uncertainty clouding my future. I prayed for God to give me clarity, to give me a yes or a no, or to give me patience. I think he chose to give me patience. I’m still trying receive it. Waiting is hard. This time in my life is hard. I work hard. I (am supposed to) study hard. And a lot of the time I don’t want to be here, waiting for my life to begin. I don’t want to be in class. I want to be in the “real world,” starting my “real life.” I am tired of feeling like the only one who has to balance work and school and outside life.

This week I realized just how small my faith is and how often I put God in a limiting box. I doubt that God will show up and fear that I will be disappointed if I ask him to. I often believe God doesn’t have the power to heal me, to speak to me, to radically work in my life. I realized that as much as God has worked in me to become my center, I often push him aside, temporarily allowing work or people or my insecurities take his place.

I realized I don’t give God enough glory. I long for him to speak to me through worship when worship is all about praising him. Worship is the time for me to tell God how awesome he is, not necessarily a time to take and take and take and think about me, me, me.

God, I am so sorry. I am so sorry that I forget that you are enough. You are my comforter. You satisfy me; people do not. Our relationship is our own, and I shouldn’t covet your relationship with others. My gifts are freaking awesome, and you will use them and me to do powerful things for your kingdom. God, even when I can’t see where you’re taking my future, I know it’s in your hand, and I can trust that. Even when I grow weary of waiting, I know it will be worth it because you work all things out for the good of those who believe in you. You give me perseverance to push through grad school; when I want to quit, you remind me why I am here. God, you are so powerful. You can do anything. I repent for my doubt and unbelief. You say hope will not disappoint us. I chose to believe you over my fickle heart. God, I apologize for taking you down from the center of my life and replacing you with meaningless mist of this world. People’s opinions of me don’t matter. Work does not define me or drive me. You have called me your daughter, and that is my identity. God I praise you for what you have done in my life. I praise you for saving me and drawing me close to you, for romancing me and loving me. I can’t even think of words adequate enough to describe what you have done for me. All I can think about is that time that my sister told me, “I really wish there were words to describe God that weren’t also used to describe tacos.” “Awesome” just doesn’t cut it.

This week is the last week of the Divine Experiment. Please pray for me and my homegroup as we focus on repenting this week as we continue to humble ourselves and seek God’s face. The experiment will culminate with our church’s fall retreat, Spiritual Challenge Weekend, or SCW (pronounced scwuh). Pray God convicts us of the sin areas in our lives and brings us healing and wholeness as we surrender them to him.

In less heart-heavy news, our homegroup voted on our T-shirt design, and mine was chosen! Look at me using my Missouri School of Journalism degree for the Kingdom!

My homegroup T-shirt design. I feel super official because our homegroup leader plans on painting this really big on the wall of the Duplex where a lot of our guy members live!

Spent

Well, hello, faithful blog readers. Before you reprimand me for “breaking my fast” with the argument that you came across this post via Twitter and/or Facebook, I would like to defend myself with the fact that I have WordPress automatically set up to post to Facebook and to send out a tweet whenever I post. That being said, we can move on to the matters at hand.

I. am. spent.
But we will get to that in a moment.

The Divine Experiment has been good. Last week’s focus was on humility, and although I didn’t necessarily connect super strongly with our prayer guide each day last week, I do feel as though God put the spirit of surrender in me, which is somewhat related to humbleness. God repeatedly told me to give him everything: “my soul, my life, my all,” my worries, my fears, my uncertainties, my work, my school work, all of it. He spoke to me in the daily prayer meetings, in the discipleship class I’m taking at my church, and even through a really great “Serious Wednesday” post on Stuff Christians Like. He reminded me that his batting average is 100% and that I will never get the short end of the deal when I give him my life.

Surprisingly, the media fast hasn’t been as hard as I thought it would be. While I often find myself composing tweets and status updates in my head when funny or interesting things happen, or when I come across a particularly awesome Bible verse, or encounter God in a cool way, I don’t miss it all that much. Part of me thinks that might have to do with the fact that I had zero free time last week to even think about being on Facebook, but we’ll see how the next two weeks go. I do miss staying updated on my friends’ lives back in Missouri, but I think after three weeks of no Facebook and Twitter, I can probably cut back my social media consumption considerably. With the help of Jesus and a Google Chrome plug-in, of course!

What has been difficult is the lack of sleep I’ve had. Although I set myself a 10:30 curfew, it has only been half successful. And even if I do isolate myself at 10:30, that doesn’t necessarily mean bed right away. And that also doesn’t include late nights Thursday-Saturday. So those 7 a.m. prayer meetings are rough muffins, as my MTCG girls might say. I have some struggz getting up in the morning! On top of getting 5-7 hours of sleep a night, I worked several really long days last week. Wednesday I left my house at 6:40 a.m. and returned at 10 p.m.

I’m realizing 6 and fewer hours of sleep make me incredibly vulnerable. By the evening, the littlest thing can set me into tears for no reason. Well, I mean, there’s a reason. I don’t cry for no reason, I just cry because I’m frustrated with things that wouldn’t normally frustrate me to tears. This is not an entirely new realization — it’s happened before, especially the summer I worked at the Missourian. I would wake up at 5 a.m. to work at the rec center and then go to the newspaper until the evening. The long days + lack of sleep + overwhelming or frustrating experiences while doing journalism = somewhat unexplained tears. Let’s just say I made one guy grad student TA really uncomfortable when I inexplicably (to him at least) broke down after some constructive criticism as I sobbed “It’s not you! I’m just so tired!” So I’m working on trying to go to God in those times when I just feel spent and empty physically. I’m trying to figure out if this crying thing is an appropriate expression of emotions or not. I feel like it is. Or at least it makes sense. I’m realizing more and more that our bodies were meant to work holistically: if we’re not completely in balance mentally, spiritually, emotionally or physically, the lack of balance in one area can affect the others, i.e. being more outwardly emotional when I am exhausted.

This week we’re focusing on seeking God’s face. Let me just say that God has been working on this in my life like crazy since school started. I’ve been seeking him a lot; I just want more Jesus! And he has been so faithful. I’m starting to recognize his voice more, and he’s been revealing himself to me in new, amazing ways. I had a really cool encounter with him this weekend at Onething. I want to blog about it later, I think. Let’s just say God has really crazy awesome eyes.

In conclusion, I will leave you with a few verses I’ll be focusing in on as I seek God’s face this week. Please continue to pray for me and my homegroup as we get into the second week of our sleep deprivation and fasting!

PS: As noted in my “About Me” page, my homegroup had a name change! We are now Shockwave, the homegroup formally known as Smackdown.

“Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”
—Jeremiah 29:12-13 (Too many people stop at Jeremiah 29:11!)

“Hear my voice when I call, LORD; be merciful to me and answer me. My heart says of you, ‘Seek his face!’ Your face, LORD, I will seek. Do not hide your face from me, do not turn your servant away in anger; you have been my helper. Do not reject me or forsake me, God my Savior.”
—Psalm 27:7-9